The Modern Evangelical Really Short Catechism

It's a travesty

(Originally posted: October 2004)

This travesty sprang from an off-the-cuff comment made a while back, which might have been based on something I heard somewhere else; I never keep track. The only irreverence intended is to the lack of deep theological thought among many modern church folks. You can read the real thing here, which is much more worthy of your time.

Question: What is the chief end of man?
Answer: The chief end of man is to try and get himself saved.

Question: What rule hath God given to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him?
Answer: The Word of God, which is contained in the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments, is not about rules because that would be way too legalistic.

Question: What do the Scriptures principally teach?
Answer: The Scriptures principally teach Bible stories, things about Jesus, and how to get along with one another. Then I think there are some “begats” in there….

Question: What is God?
Answer: God is … well, He’s God, I guess.

Question: Are there more Gods than one?
Answer: <Long irrelevant argument on the real meaning of the Trinity deleted for space considerations.>

Question: How did God create man?
Answer: God created man male and female, after which they immediately got into an argument on Creation vs. Evolution.

Question: What is sin?
Answer: Sin is lack of self esteem, or being judgmental, or living a life that’s not purpose-driven.

Question: What is effectual calling?
Answer: Effectual calling is something to do with Calvinism, which everybody knows is wrong because it teaches Predestination.

Question: What is justification?
Answer: Justification is what happens to you when you get saved.

Question: What is adoption?
Answer: Adoption is a pro-life alternative to abortion. …What? What do you mean, soteriology?

Question: What is sanctification?
Answer: Sanctification is the work of asking “What Would Jesus Do?”, and then trying to do it.

Question: What benefits do believers receive from Christ at death?
Answer: The souls of believers are at their death made recipients of a “Get out of Hell Free” card.

Question: Which is the first commandment?
Answer: The first commandment is, Thou shalt not take these commandments out of courthouses.

Question: Which is the second commandment?
Answer: The second commandment is, Thou shalt not criticize anyone’s personal preference in worship style because that would be judging them by outward appearances.

Question: Are you sure that’s the second commandment?
Answer: Well, maybe not, now that you mention it. We had them on a poster on the wall here; let me check.

Question: Which is the third commandment?
Answer: The third commandment is, pray the Prayer of Jabez for thirty days to receive– oh wait, that’s the wrong poster.

Question: Let’s talk more generally then. What doth every sin deserve?
Answer: Every sin deserveth God’s compassion and forgiveness.

Question: What doth God require of us, that we may escape his wrath and curse, due to us for sin?
Answer: To escape the wrath and curse of God, due to us for sin, God requireth of us to say the sinner’s prayer.

Question: What is prayer?
Answer: Prayer is what Jabez did when he wanted to get blessed, but God doesn’t always answer prayer if you don’t have enough faith.

Question: What are the outward and ordinary means whereby Christ communicateth to us the benefits of redemption?
Answer: What?!?

Question: What is a sacrament?
Answer: A sacrament is something Catholic, and Catholics are just as bad as Calvinists.

Question: Have you ever actually read some good theological writings, like the ones you can find at http://www.freewebs.com/ratorrey?
Answer: You just said that to put in another plug for your R. A. Torrey site, you little reprobate. At least he wasn’t a Calvinist.

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Disclaimer: Intended for humorous purposes only, please–not intended to give offense to anyone and definitely not meant as a serious theological statement! Please don’t take seriously! Some “answers” are heretical, some are merely stupid, and others are just not thought out well enough. If you don’t know which is which… try the R.A. Torrey site.

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